If You're Going to Whistle Then Please Jam This Screwdriver into My Ear Instead

If a talking bear smashed into my home, and warned me that he would devour my family if I didn't whistle, then pass the ketchup because the Spicers are for dinner.  I can't whistle.  At all.  I can cause spit to fly across the room or sort of sound like a motor boat, but I can't do anything that a normal human being (or a hungry talking bear) would mistake for whistling.  So, I need to admit that before this post gets moving along that I may already have an ingrained bias against whistling.  I can't do it, and so maybe deep in my subconscious I have a ferocious jealousy towards all that can.

But I'm claiming right now that I don't care that I can't whistle (but I'm a writer and so by definition, the truth is always a little obscured).  I can't see why I would ever need to whistle.  I think a good old fashioned "Hey!" covers all the practical purposes for whistling.  But I'm getting ahead of myself now.

I hate whistling.  I mean, I really, really, really, really despise whistling.  It is the stupidest thing that could ever come out of a person's month, and this includes, "By Golly, I should multi-task by showering and blow drying my hair at the same time!"    It is the most pointless form of communication in the entire universe.  The worst part is that it is the most irritating sound to rip into my ears.  It is ear rape.  Sometimes the ferocious damage remains after some boob decides to whistle, and I get a low hum resonating in my ears -- reminding me of the torture that I just endured.  I did I mentioned that whistling is awful, yet?

Some of you are probably yelling (or maybe whistling?), "Hey!  I like whistling.  It is soothing for me."  But doesn't humming serve the same purpose?  Or maybe even singing?  Somebody singing can be the most wondrous sound in the world.  Even if someone is slightly off key but still trying to sound nice, singing can be bearable to hear.  It at least doesn't cause my ear drums to beg for some human decency.

What is the point of whistling?

It is a high pitch shrill sound.  Usually, you can sort of understand how the person thinks their current tune may sound like a recognizable song.  Usually it is a whole bunch of high pitch mouth toots that drag on until shivers go up the spine and you’re looking for anything to jab into the ear to end the sound atrocity.

Nobody whistles to entertain others.  It is for the sole purpose of self-entertainment.  It is probably entertaining for the whistlers because they really can't hear themself all that well and they know they're driving everything around them completely bonkers.  Has anyone in human history ever said, "Gosh darn, I'm so glad Ron has decided to spray shrill noises from his mouth while I try to work through these complicated forms and applications":  They don't say that because whistling is distracting and sounds like a birds that got its foot caught in a blender.

Whistling hasn't ever been used as entertainment.  You don't go to a concert to hear a world class whistler.  There isn't a choir of whistlers that tour across the world, and if they do, they probably only get an audience in Germany where they actually think David Hasselhoff is a musician.  If you go on iTunes right now, I'm pretty sure you're not going to find "U2's Greatest Hits: Whistled".  Even NBC isn't going to resort to having a reality competition show called Whistling Stars, because it would be would worse in the ratings than Whitney (and be even more annoying). We sort of realize this sound isn't something that has mass appeal, and we don't ever look forward to the moment our co-workers start whistling.  I've never heard anyone ever say, "You got to listen to this guy whistle, because his shrill mouth toots are like smooth Unicorn milk butter to the ears."  If they did say this, then they meant that it was like having piping hot melted butter poured down your ears while being stomped by a horse (with a butcher blade taped to its forehead and sometimes it will head butt you, too).

Let’s think about the things that whistling is used for.  We have the dog whistle.  Its purpose is to get a dog's attention, and it gets the dogs attention because the sound just ripped through the dog's poor ears.  The dog quickly returns to you, because he is begging that you never blow that thing again.  "Oh please, I won't run away again.  Don't ever let that that machine rape my ears again.  Please."  Whistles are used by referees in order to stop a play.  It isn't because the players suddenly say, "What a beautiful sounds that just was.  Let us all stop and listen to more beauty from that magical instrument."  We use whistles to stop people from doing something.  It works, because no one wants to hear that horrible noise again.  It is loud and shrill and painful.

Yet people think it is a wonderful thing to do in public.  They like to whistle while they work, because stupid Disney and their dwarfs tricked people into thinking this was a good thing to do.  People will whistle while walking down the street.  People will whistles in almost any public place.  But why?  Because apparently, their whistling has made them deaf, and they now want to damage the hearing of everyone else.  Let's face it, those dwarfs had a pretty crummy job, and I'm pretty sure they whistled so that they could gain revenge on their taskmaster of a boss (who you never saw because he was hiding in his office trying to tend to his bleeding ears).

You want more proof of the evils of whistling?  You've got the misogynistic macho men who whistle at a "broad" while she walks by.  Guys who whistle at women are basically the lowest form of human life.  We can agree on this right?  That whistle means, "Hey baby, I think you're a piece of meat designed to satisfy my lust, because I'm scum and no right minded women would ever pay attention to me."  Or you've got the impatient restaurant patron who whistles at the server, because they feel they haven't been quick enough at jumping to their every whim.  People who whistle at hard working servers are assholes.  Whistling gives off this vibe of "I am in a rush and I don't even have the common courtesy to say your name or say excuse me, which are things I should have learned when I was four."  In both cases, whistling is derogatory and demeaning.

I still have to hear this shrill sound of the devil, despite all the proof of its vileness.  Believe me, whistling will be the "music" that is heard in hell.  It is the whole point of its existence.  To torment all the evil people of this world.  Yet we are currently misusing it and attacking several innocents with it horrendous noise.

I love working at home.  But sometimes it can get a little lonely and solitary.  The one advantage of being alone at home and not having co-workers is that my dog and cat don't know how to whistle.  I don't need to hear someone release the shrill noises of torment while they look through files or smash away at the keyboard beside me.  I can listen to the radio instead, which doesn't have any whistlers.  One of the biggest downsides to working in an office is there is always someone who feels the day goes by better if they whistle. Maybe it does cause their time to fly by, but it leaves countless ears with irreparable damage.

Whistling sucks.  I hate it.  It sounds awful.  And I think I've made my case for why no one should ever release those shrill atrocities again.  Keep it in your mouth.  Hum instead.  Or sing.  Or fart.  I don't care.  But whistling?  You kill a baby panda every time you let out one shrill mouth toot.  Do you really want a fluffy and cute bundle of wonder to die?  Do you?  Are you a panda killer?

Of course, I can't whistle.  So, I know I am safe from being a hypocrite.  You may claim this whole diatribe is unfair.  But again, I'm also not a baby panda killer.