Slowly Getting There


About a week ago, the plan was to definitely, no-doubt-about-it, move-mountains-if-I-have-to post a new episode of The Movie Breakdown. That would’ve made it two weeks in a row and the start of a streak that would’ve felt like a little hop of progress. 

As you’ve probably noticed, there is no new episode. That’s because I didn’t record one. And I didn’t record one because I once again didn’t get around to watching any of the movies to review. You may also have noticed that this fine site continues to mostly consist of repurposed social media posts, or posts that have very little to do with movies, entertainment, or that long-promised serialized fiction 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has been crucial in helping me stabilize my mental health. I’m slowly learning to work with my brain instead of constantly fighting it. But most days still feel like I’m stuck in a cyclone where a minute in my head equals an hour in the real world. When it comes to client work, the site, creative writing, or podcasting, my best windows of time are: before 7:30 AM, between 8:40 AM and 3:40 PM on weekdays, and after 10 PM. 

Not because those are necessarily my most creative hours (mornings are probably the best for that), but because those are the times when my family is typically occupied elsewhere and distractions are fewer. One big lesson I’ve had to face is how terrible I am at advocating for creative time when my family is home. 

Advocacy, in general, is not a strength of mine. Some of that comes from the emotional dysregulation that comes with being neurodivergent, as I might overreact, shut down, or freeze entirely in confrontation or stress. I still struggle with knowing how to speak up, especially when it’s about needing part of the weekend for something important to me, like finishing a project or recording a podcast. 

My weekends and evenings are usually a blur. Weeknights often include cooking dinner and cleaning up. Weekends usually involve taking care of the swim spa, laundry, errands, and family outings. All necessary things. All important things. But after years of masking, ignoring my energy limits, and pushing past my capacity, I burn out faster than I’d like. 

Emotionally, I often feel like a bouncy ball let loose in an empty gym in all its uncontrolled glory.. Weekends fly by, leaving me unfulfilled and creatively empty, followed by a Monday filled with anxiety and scrambling to secure freelance work. 

This isn’t me blaming anyone. It’s on me. I’m still learning how to advocate for my needs, to communicate clearly before things spiral into a shutdown or a volcanic emotional outburst. I’m trying to recognize when my emotions are simmering before they boil. But it’s a work in progress, and like everything else, it takes time, compassion, and a whole lot of unlearning.

All that to say, this isn't where I want the site to be or the podcast. But we're getting there. I'm getting better at speaking up, showing self-compassion, and finding ways to be my best self throughout the day. A podcast may come a bit later in the week. The hope is some new and exciting stuff is on the way.

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