I didn't think I was good enough.
It didn't matter; they were going to give me the opportunity to write a blog post and several social media pieces. I went in with little confidence, but came out with the offer for more work.
It was the most money I have been making in a very long time. Years. It felt good, even if the entire time I was waiting for the next cruel twist to unfold.
I was in a bad headspace. Unaware I was neurodivergent, and beyond running on fumes. Terrified to fail, but maybe even more scared to succeed. Do I deserve success? How long can I keep up this pace?
A rather traumatic event- no, scratch that, a few rather emotionally shaking events that I feel are worth deeming as trauma hit in succession. My bad place molded into toxic and unhealthy, and I missed deadlines.
I was told it was okay. They seemed lenient on when something was due. They seemed concerned for my own health. They loved my work, and that seemed to be enough.
It wasn't. I misread the situation. I believed too much in the words. I didn't recognize the swinging scythe cutting towards my throat if I dared pass a deadline with incomplete work.
I was never let go. It was never made clear that they were upset with me and that it was time to move on. They just accepted my last assignment and stopped giving me any more.
Then I was removed from their company boards and apps. They kept saying they were fine and had things covered when I asked about more work.
It was gone. Just like that.
My last very good-paying gig.
What would the state of things be like if I still had it now?
Would my debt be paid off? Would it have led to work with other clients? Would it have repaired relationships?
No way of knowing.
I just know that I desperately hope for a chance like this again, and this time do it right.
This time I know I am good enough, but I just need the right strategies and schedule to allow my brina to excel.
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