My Valentine

A Mental Health Reflection

                         

As I navigate through my recent diagnosis, start on a path of therapy, and adjust to the jarring effects medication has on my brain, I've been reflecting upon my history with relationships and how it has formulated who I am. Though I think I'm rather friendly and get along okay in social settings, I often wrestle with overwhelming feelings of awkwardness and have swirling thoughts that most people I am with are either annoyed or just tolerating me. This often means I either overcompensate or withdraw as my natural defense mechanism. 

I believe some of that comes from frequent childhood bullying because I was 'weird', 'odd', 'stupid', and a 'Jedi/Goonie/Ghostbuster/Snork'. I was a 'get lost into an imaginative world of play' kid surrounded by a 'boys should play sports' crowd. Though, don't cry for me Argentina, because I had some very amazing friends who were just as eager to enter into that world. 

I remember report cards and certain authority figures that would constantly hammer that I was a 'space cadet, 'careless', 'forgetful', 'absent-minded', and 'missing my.potential'. It reaffirmed I was weird, odd, and flaky, and further brewed up feelings that I didn't quite belong and that I was lost in this intimidating land. 

I allowed this to define me, and it has meant I've assumed that I'm not good enough compared to others in many activities and they most probably would rather I just stayed hidden in the corner. I'm going through the process of believing these were all lies or at least massive distortions of a kernel of truths. I'm learning more about myself and understanding why I am 'weird' and why that is not horrible. 

It has also allowed me to embrace the love shown to me by my wife Emily Spicer and my incredible kids even if I struggle with those feelings toward myself. 

I now realize how blessed I was to have parents who loved me for who I was and gave me many opportunities to harness my imagination and creativity. 

I'm grateful to have creative and imaginative friends like David Wierzbicki who helped my imagination soar and friends like Tim Teakle who accepted me because they liked my quirks and messiness. 

I am now far more appreciative of those teachers who nurtured my creativity and encouraged me to think outside the box and people like Steve Archibald and John Blackman who saw my potential and pushed me into creative-focused leadership positions. 

I am very grateful for finding my tribe of creative people in the past year, whether theatre at Playful Fox Productions or other writers, creators, and storytellers that I met through my work and life. 

I have a long way to go in figuring out the best paths going forward, but I am grateful for people like Brandon Oliver and Carolyn Ho who are quick to offer support and strategies. I still feel awkward but I am learning that I am loved. 

I hope in the end I can be an encouragement and help others on this crazy journey called life.

Reflecting upon how I see the world through mental health and neurodiveristy is something I want to embed more into writing here in 2025.

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