What If It Wasn’t Laziness After All?

 

For the last year, I kept telling myself I just needed to get my act together. If I could be more focused. Push harder. Stop being so disorganized. Stop getting overwhelmed. Be more like all the people who seem to have their creative projects humming like a well-oiled machine. I wanted Beyond the Balcony to soar. I wanted The Movie Breakdown to be consistent again. I wanted to rebuild everything I love and start pushing dreams into reality, but I kept stalling out. 

Missing my own deadlines. Feeling foggy. Deleting work constantly or being paralyzed when time to start an idea. And I hated myself for it. 

But I’ve recently come to understand something that’s shifted everything. I’m not lazy. I’m not broken. I’m neurodivergent. And I always have been. 

It’s wild to realize that so much of the depression I’ve carried like a backpack full of bricks wasn’t just “chemical” or “seasonal” or “personal failure.” It was 47 years of trying to function in a world that was never built with someone like me in mind. 

I’m not saying this as an excuse. I’m saying it as an explanation, and maybe more importantly, an invitation to finally show myself some compassion. Because if I look at the patterns of burnout, perfectionism, executive dysfunction, spiraling self-doubt, and constant resets then I see someone who’s been sprinting uphill in a world that expected me to walk a straight line. 

No wonder my site and podcast kept falling off track. I wasn’t just fighting distractions. I was fighting an invisible current every single day. So, here’s what I’m trying to practice now: gentleness. Awareness. A different kind of persistence. Not “push through at all costs,” but “honor how my brain works, and find a rhythm that supports it.” 

Beyond the Balcony has always been about showing up honestly. And part of that honesty now includes saying: I’m still figuring this out. I’m still healing. But I’m not giving up. Because I believe there’s a place for voices like mine. Even if we don’t always sound polished. Even if we take a few detours. Even if it’s hard. Maybe especially because it’s hard. 

And I think there are others out there who need to hear that too.