What They Say vs. What They Often Mean: Navigating Hidden Messages in Everyday Phrases

In everyday conversations, many of us encounter phrases that sound simple enough on the surface, but often carry unspoken meanings underneath. For people who are neurodivergent or living with invisible disabilities, these common sayings can sting more than they inform. They reveal assumptions, frustrations, or misunderstandings that go beyond the words themselves.

I’ve noticed that phrases like “Use some common sense” or “Suck it up” aren’t just harmless advice, but rather, they often mask impatience or judgments that feel dismissive and isolating. These moments can feel like yet another reminder that the world isn’t designed for how our brains work, and we’re expected to just “fit in” anyway.

Here’s a look at some of these phrases, what they literally say, and what they often mean behind the scenes:

“Use some common sense.”
➤ What they really mean: Think the way I do. Your logic doesn’t match mine, so it must be wrong.

“Suck it up.”
➤ What they really mean: I handled this, so I’ve decided you should too, regardless of your circumstances.

“Move on.”
➤ What they really mean: I no longer have the emotional bandwidth to sit with your grief, pain, or process.

“Why is the cupboard open?”
➤ What they really mean: Goddammit—why can’t you just remember the “right” way to do things around here?

“How do you still not know how to do this?”
➤ What they really mean: Because I find it easy, I assume you should too, and your difficulty feels like defiance.

“You need to put this sauce on the entrée.”
➤ What they really mean: If you don’t enjoy food the way I do, you’re doing it wrong.

“They can’t be helped until they help themselves.”
➤ What they really mean: I don’t understand their struggle, and I’ve decided it’s not my responsibility anymore.

“You’re overreacting and being ridiculous.”
➤ What they really mean: If it’s not hard for me, I’m annoyed that it’s hard for you.

“You don’t look neurodivergent.”
➤ What they really mean: You don’t fit my limited image of what that means, so I don’t feel the need to offer empathy, accommodations, or understanding.

“Stop making excuses.”
➤ What they really mean: I see results I don’t like, and I’m not interested in understanding the reasons behind them.

---

Why This Matters

For many of us navigating neurodivergence, whether autism, ADHD, or other invisible differences, these phrases can add up. They reinforce the message that our struggles are just a matter of willpower, attitude, or “wrong” choices. They don’t account for how hard we work every day to adapt, learn, and cope in a world that wasn’t built for us.

What we don’t need is more shame or judgment. We’re often already carrying more than enough weight without reminders that we “should” be doing better. Instead, what we need (what every human needs) is to be heard, to be understood, and to be met with empathy and grace.

A little patience, a little kindness, a willingness to ask “What’s really going on?” can make all the difference. It can turn a phrase that might feel like a dismissal into an invitation for connection and support.

Because when the world feels out of sync with how your brain works, that simple bit of grace is more than welcome. It’s essential.

---

Would you add your own experiences with these phrases or others? How do you wish people would show understanding instead? Drop your thoughts in the comments — let’s build more empathy together.