Windows 95 in a Mac World: How Being AuDHD Rewired My Understanding of Myself

 

I’ve always felt different. 

For most of my life, I couldn’t quite explain why. I just knew I processed the world in ways that didn’t match the people around me. I often felt like I’d missed the meeting where everyone else was handed the instruction manual for functioning “normally.” But getting diagnosed as AuDHD — autistic and ADHD — finally gave language and shape to what I’d long carried without a map. 

I’m basically Windows 95 trying to run in a Mac world. And while that setup creates its fair share of bugs and glitches, it’s also taught me that some of those so-called system errors come with astonishing gifts. 

🔄 Executive Dysfunction 

Switching tasks or following basic routines can short-circuit my brain like someone pulling out a power cord mid-download. But when I’m immersed in creative spaces (theatre, summer camp, storytelling, or deep writing) it’s like a different operating system kicks in. I become a task-managing wizard. Focused. Fast. Flowing. 

😵‍💫 Sensory Overload 

A sudden smell, sound, texture, lighting, or change in temperature can cause nausea, itching, headaches, or even pain. I’ve had to leave rooms or freeze in public just because a particular noise or texture hits wrong. But when my senses feel attuned and safe, they don’t just work, but they sing. That heightened awareness opens the door to creativity, emotional depth, and moments that feel almost spiritual in their intensity. 

💥 Emotional Regulation & Meltdowns 

When I’m overwhelmed, surprised, or upset, my emotional response can feel like a tidal wave. I might cry unexpectedly, go nonverbal, or completely shut down. But walking through those emotional storms has made me more empathetic as a person and parent. It’s taught me how to sit with big feelings and be gentle with others going through them. 

💬 Social Processing 

I struggle with unspoken rules and social cues. I’ve left conversations wondering if I missed something obvious. Socializing can feel like navigating a maze with invisible walls. But over time, I’ve developed a finely tuned radar for what is spoken: authenticity. I can spot genuineness from a mile away, and that skill has helped me form deep, meaningful connections and protect my family from scams and tricks. 

📢 Info-Dumping & Monologuing 

If you hit a topic I’m passionate about, buckle up, because I might turn into an unsolicited TED Talk. Not everyone wants a deep-dive on 1980s LucasArts games or the structure of serialized storytelling, but those info-dumps come from a mind overflowing with ideas and curiosity. It’s a treasure chest that (sometimes) spills over. It means I always have something fun to add to a party.

💔 Rejection Sensitivity (RSD) 

Criticism (even imagined) can send me into an emotional spiral that lasts hours or even days. But knowing that pain has made me kinder, more encouraging, and more aware of how I speak to others. I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re not enough. 

🧠 Processing Lag & Idea Overload 

Sometimes I need extra time to process what’s being said. Other times, my brain runs so far ahead of my mouth that I speak in fragments or tangled thoughts. But when I’m given the space and time to sort it out? That mental swirl often settles into something original, thoughtful, and outside-the-box. 

⏳ Time Blindness I chronically underestimate how long something will take. I’ll plan to write a quick email and somehow lose half an hour. I’m often running late or scrambling at the last second. But time blindness also means I’m often in the moment. Fully present. Absorbed. Alive. 

🧩 Nonlinear Thinking 

Give me step-by-step instructions, and I’ll probably break the process before step three. But if you give me a weird problem with no obvious solution? I’ll bounce ideas around like a pinball machine and often land on something no one else thought of. My roundabout thinking may look odd, but it finds some beautiful paths. 

🎡 Mental Whirlwind 

My mind is a carousel of ideas, spinning with stories, plans, questions, and connections. One interruption, though, and it all derails. I’ll forget the milk on the counter or lose the perfect sentence mid-thought. But when I’m in the zone — truly uninterrupted — my creativity becomes a bonfire. Warm. Radiant. Alive. 

🌦️ Mood & Energy Fluctuations Some days I’m a human rocket of joy, ideas, and energy. Other days, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck made of fog and dread. It’s a wild ride. But when I am up, I radiate enthusiasm. Like a Care Bear with a rocket booster strapped to its back. And that joy is real. 

I used to think all of this made me broken. Now I see I’m just differently wired. My brain is a paradox machine that is sometimes baffling, sometimes brilliant, but always mine. It’s not always easy. But when it clicks, when I’m in a space that fits me, I light up the world in ways that feel extraordinary. 

If you experience any of these struggles, I see you. I am you. 

And I hope you can see the strength and wonder within your wiring too. We’re not glitches. We’re magic in disguise.