My Computer Dragged Out My Autism

I felt very autistic today.

Of course, I feel autistic every day—I am autistic—but it isn’t usually a light switch situation where everything suddenly flares at once. Today it did.

I screamed at no one in particular. I got so emotionally dysregulated I felt like I might vomit for over an hour. I rocked so hard I half-expected to take flight. My whole body buzzed like knives were piercing deep into my bones. Everything was a whirlwind.

The culprit? My computer.

Okay, a computer can’t technically be an asshole. But it sure knows how to ruin a day.

This morning it decided my Wifi LAN adapter “wasn’t installed.” Which was news to me, since it had been working just fine seconds earlier. That small act of defiance spiraled into an entire day of troubleshooting, missing routines, and trying not to completely unravel while I begged the machine to acknowledge its drivers again.

That’s when my ADHD joined the party. I impulsively hauled my entire computer tower down into the cramped basement guest room so I could hook it directly to the router. If the drivers disappeared again within an hour (and, knowing my luck, they would), at least I’d have a backup plan to stay online.

The move gave me a massive dopamine hit. New environment, new setup, a sudden rush of novelty. My ADHD brain was delighted.

Meanwhile, my autistic brain was less thrilled. The sticky floors and the strange, musty smells from last summer’s flood, which ruined our renovations, made the basement a sensory nightmare. But the dopamine high from changing rooms managed to override the meltdown that had been boiling since morning.

I felt my neurodivergence today—really felt it. I’m sure it’s been showing up my whole life, but for years I blamed it on being “too sensitive,” “thin-skinned,” “crazy,” or “short-tempered.”

Now I know the truth.