The Invisible Rules: How AuDHD Can Make the Everyday Feel Like a Puzzle

People often focus on the social side of autism, like the missed cues, the awkward silences, the difficulty knowing when to jump into a conversation or when to just nod and smile.

But for those of us with AuDHD (the blend of autism and ADHD), the struggle goes far beyond small talk or reading faces. It seeps into the everyday. Into the simplest routines and tasks that most people do without thinking.

It’s not that I don’t want to do things “the right way.” It’s that I often don’t automatically know what the “right way” is.

My brain doesn’t default to habit or intuition. It analyzes. It questions. It wants to understand why before it can act. Every simple step can become a mental flowchart of possibilities, outcomes, and invisible expectations.

Why do we do it this way? Is there a reason for it? Does this other method make more sense? What happens if I do it differently? Will that upset someone? Will it break something?

When I ask questions or hesitate, it can come across as overcomplicating things (or worse, as lacking “common sense"). But my brain isn’t being difficult; it’s just trying to make sense of a world that isn’t built for how it works.

Sometimes I catch myself watching someone closely while they work. Not because I’m judging them, but because I’m terrified they’re judging me. I’m studying the unspoken rules, the subtle steps everyone else just seems to know.

After decades of being corrected, teased, or scolded for “doing it wrong,” I now overthink every motion. I hesitate before starting. I rehearse what seems automatic to others. Not because I’m lazy or defiant, but because I’m anxious. Because I’ve learned that my instincts often don’t line up with the “proper way.”

It’s self-protection. It’s people-pleasing born from years of trying not to be “the problem.” It’s the exhausting effort of trying to function in a world that expects automatic understanding from a brain that needs conscious decoding.

For me, it’s never about a lack of logic or effort. It’s about having a brain that processes the world consciously instead of automatically, one that constantly tries to bridge the gap between how it experiences life and how the world expects life to be experienced.

Every task is a negotiation between instinct and adaptation. And every time I get it right, it’s not automatic. It’s an act of resilience.