A Deep Dark Thought I Can Never Shake

I’ve been pretty transparent lately that my career isn’t exactly a barrel of Skittles, and my finances are clinging desperately to whatever scraps of hope they can find.

Back in 2014, things felt different. The site actually had a fan page. The Movie Breakdown podcast was growing. I had multiple steady clients. I had dreams of writing for a recognizable pop culture magazine, publishing a novel, launching a respected movie site, and seeing the podcast become a fixture in film circles.

I rebranded The International House of Spicer into Beyond the Balcony, promising something movie-focused and ambitious. But outside of that promise, most of those goals… never materialized. And the truth is: I’ve been emotionally and mentally struggling for a very long time.

When you’re carrying multiple albatrosses like burnout, depression, self-doubt, and fear of failure, then you stop pushing forward. I didn’t follow through on the big plans. I didn’t finish the novels. I didn’t keep pitching. I self-sabotaged relationships with editors and clients to the point where I had no regular ones left.

Only now am I understanding that much of this came from years of autistic and ADHD burnout from decades of trying to force myself to work against my brain instead of with it. Even in 2025, I’m still learning what actually helps me thrive in a neurotypical world.

But something important has changed:
I feel energy coming back.
The passion never left.
And I’m committed to building the site, the podcast, the newsletter, my freelance career, and the creative projects I’ve talked about for years.

December isn’t the easiest month to increase income (half the industry hibernates), but I’m making my best effort. I want to finally leap into the long-promised projects for Beyond the Balcony and the newsletter.

For years, I told myself my lack of audience growth was because I was too scared to pitch, too inconsistent in posting high-quality movie pieces, or not strategic enough in expanding my reach.

But there’s a darker voice that is a nasty little imposter syndrome whisper who says all of that is just an excuse.

That I’m not talented enough.
Not skilled enough.
Not unique enough.
That my voice doesn’t matter.
That my work has no value.
That even if I had stayed consistent all these years, I’d be exactly where I am now: nowhere.

And yet… that simply can’t be true.

My work has gone viral.
Editors have praised me.
There have been stretches where I made significant money from writing.
People share my pieces because they resonate.

If I truly had “nothing to offer,” none of that would have happened.

But when you’re used to rejection, or used to feeling on the outside looking in, your mind becomes an overprotective liar. It tries to “save” you by convincing you not to hope.

I know I’m not alone in this.
There are so many talented creators who give up early.
So many who let doubt win.
So many who’ve been worn down until perseverance feels like a mythical creature.

That’s why I have to stay committed.
Because I want my work to inspire other creators.
To offer hope.
And because, even when it looks unrealistic, I have proven my brain wrong before.

In my 20s, I thought returning to university was impossible. But I earned a scholarship because my GPA was so high.

In my 40s, I thought theatre was out of reach because I couldn’t memorize lines or perform. Now I’ve been cast in multiple productions and even received standing ovations.

I once believed I wasn’t responsible enough to raise a family. But Emily and I have two incredible kids who love and trust me.

I once thought I was unlovable. Yet I’m married to an amazing woman who chose me again and again.

I’ve taken on assignments that terrified me, pushed through the overwhelm, and delivered work that editors praised.

Those doubts in your head?
They’re fools.
Part of life is learning to expose them for what they are.

---

If my work resonates with you, you can support it by subscribing to my Life on the Balcony newsletter or tossing a few dollars into the tip jar through the Support Me badge or my Ko-fi page. Every bit helps me keep going and keep building.