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Remember when I reviewed movies every week?
Remember The Movie Breakdown?
Remember when I had extensive knowledge of what was in theatres and what was coming out?
In the chaos of trying to figure out my brain and find some kind of stability in my career, my knowledge of current movies has definitely suffered.
But I'm planning to get back on the movie-reviewing choo-choo train, and I expect to have many thoughts and opinions about the 2026 releases.
To prepare for that glorious return, here are short descriptions for 52 movies planned for 2026 (one from each week).
Since I have been out of the movie news loop, I’m basing the plots purely on the titles and making everything up.
We’ll see if I accidentally get any correct.
Just a reminder: all these movies are real 2026 releases. The descriptions are very much not.
The Plague (January 2):
A romantic comedy about a Pharaoh who is so distracted by locusts and firstborn deaths that his queen feels neglected. To win her back, he must perform a gesture worthy of biblical proportions.
Soum8te (January 9):
An epic animated adventure where the number 8 tries to win back its once-scorned lover, 9, while fending off 7 who hungers for 9.
28 Years Later: The Bone Temple (January 16):
Joseph fondly remembers the miniature temple he built out of chicken-wing bones at summer camp. As an adult, he abandons everything in search of whether it still exists.
H Is for Hawk (January 23):
A young boy discovers a hawk that can spell. He must convince the school board and politicians to allow him to enter the first non-human competitor in the national spelling bee.
Send Help (January 30):
Roger thought he didn’t need to pack extra pants or his adult diapers for a winter getaway. He was wrong and now must rely on an underappreciated Amazon delivery driver.
Whistle (February 6):
A deranged psychopath torments a group of teens trapped in a cabin during a blizzard… using the most annoying human habit ever.
Good Luck. Have Fun. Don’t Die. (February 13):
A heart-wrenching biopic of the world’s first professional sword swallower.
This Is Not a Test (February 20):
It seemed like an average day for Amanda until her calculus teacher announced a pop quiz.
Scream 7 (February 27):
Sydney cancels her phone plan and moves to Paris, France.
Hoppers (March 6):
Pixar’s latest follows young Tyra as she clones her favourite actor, Dennis Hopper… only for them to multiply.
The Breadwinner (March 13):
After decades of mockery from other bakers for his inability to bake cakes, Alonzo discovers his true gift: bread, and it leads him to a world championship.
Project Hail Mary (March 20):
A dreamer risks it all to host the first-ever football game on the moon.
They Will Kill You (March 27):
Marcus wonders what the skull and crossbones on the jug of mystery liquid mean. He finds out.
The Super Mario Galaxy Movie (April 3):
Fans will be pandered to, and a global company will get even richer.
Ready or Not 2: Here I Come (April 10):
An eyepatch-wearing nanny believed dead returns to finish the game they started. Uno. It was Uno.
Normal (April 17):
On the Isle of Cyclops, two-eyed Ivan wonders if anyone else sees things the way he does.
Michael (April 24):
He will teach them to stop calling him Mike for the last time.
Animal Friends (May 1):
Can a hippo, a rhino, and a wombat get along? The title may have your answer.
The Sheep Detective (May 8):
Countless people suddenly can’t sleep, but Sebaaastian is on the case.
Poetic License (May 15):
A frustrated literature professor follows her true dream: becoming a NASCAR driver.
The Mandalorian & Grogu (May 22):
Forty percent of the runtime follows Boba Fett redecorating his palace.
Masters of the Universe (June 5):
Fans explode when there is too much Teela.
Scary Movie 6 (June 12):
A moviegoer remarks, “That was refreshing,” after the Naked Gun reboot, which unknowingly unleashes unspeakable horrors.
Toy Story 5 (June 19):
The toys remain trapped in a trunk after the arrival of the Switch 2.
Supergirl: Woman of Tomorrow (June 26):
Witness the first procrastinating superhero.
Mega Minions (July 1):
They ate too many bananas.
Shiver (July 3):
He said he didn’t need a jacket. He was wrong.
Moana (July 10):
A live-action retelling of something that was already perfect as animation.
Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey (July 17):
A cinematic epic of Homer’s poem, featuring an ear-busting soundtrack during conversations, scenes placed in random order, and a bookshelf.
Evil Dead Burn (July 24):
At a secluded cabin, Henry and Olive discover an ancient, cursed insult book.
Spider-Man: Brand New Day (July 31):
Peter Parker wakes up from a long nap to discover it is now Wednesday.
Once Upon a Time in a Cinema (August 7):
Young Kern Ell is told he’s too corny to succeed, until he finds a magic place where he can really pop.
Paw Patrol 3: The Dino Movie (August 14):
A franchise that has lasted longer than expected resorts to the classic child-pleasing gimmick.
Mutiny (August 21):
Bathtime was always his favourite, until his toy tugboat declared it wanted control.
Cliffhanger (August 28):
Will Jacqueline save the world from evil, or will you have to wait for the sequel?
Clayface (September 11):
Ronald wishes he always had some Play-Doh with him. It's granted.
Resident Evil (September 18):
Trying to turn his life around, Satan enrolls in college, but is shocked by his holier-than-thou roommate.
Forgotten Island (September 25):
I had a really fun idea for this, but I don’t remember it.
Verity (October 2):
A pretentious cashier uses big words until a shopper exposes the truth.
Other Mommy (October 9):
A simple misspelling sends an orphan on an adventure through a pyramid with an old friend who was too wrapped up in other things.
Whalefall (October 16):
Veronica regrets allowing Ugg to name the discoveries in this prehistoric tale.
Remain (October 23):
Maggie thought the houseguest had finally left, but it appears they will...
Shaun the Sheep: The Beast of Mossy Bottom (October 30):
Gigantus should have looked before he sat down.
Archangel (November 6):
Gabriel returns to Earth, and discovers the Big Mac.
Ebenezer: A Christmas Carol (November 13):
Instead of checking a calendar, a man shouts out his window to ask a kid what day it is.
The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Reaping (November 20):
Grim has always been moody, but things appear to be sunnier when he learns he’s won the lottery.
Hexed (November 25):
A new arrival means Penta’s life is about to be totally reshaped.
Narnia (November 26):
A stubborn streaming service refuses to venture into the magical land of theatrical releases, even when it has the perfect movie for it.
Violent Night 2 (December 4):
Santa should have read the back of the box of what he assumed were chocolate-chip cookies.
Jumanji 3 (December 11):
In the Soviet jungle, video games play you!
Avengers: Doomsday (December 18):
Heroes unite to save the MCU in a battle for a billion-dollar hit.
Werewulf (December 25):
A man allergic to the moon becomes a fashion icon thanks to his line of furry clothing.
I can’t wait to review these next year and see how far off I was.
What are some movie titles that give you very different ideas for a plot?
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