I Know Fresh Starts Are Unicorns

I wrote and deleted this several weeks ago:

Not a Relaunch 

Confession time. 

My obsessive AuDHD brain is not only obsessed with restarts, but it also has specific rituals that it finds soothing and necessary, even if it actually adds more stress and drain by hopping to the front of the priority line. 

The daily 'throwaway' and repurposed posts have been a major part of that obsession. Only one person actually cares if there is a post every single day on here. And that person cares so much that when they miss several days, they go back and try to 'catch up' to keep the 'streak'. 

I've convinced myself this is mandatory before I can start podcasting, writing Substack newsletters, reviewing movies, creating short stories, start pitching, and numerous other things. 

But it doesn't matter; but the mindset has proven harmful despite my brain finding it comforting. It has trapped me in a loop. 

Even though it has been over a week since something has been posted. I am not going to try throwing together posts to fill in those slots. 

Or at least, that is the plan. My brain isn't very happy with this. 

It is time to move on. It is time to create new things and not allow every little hiccup to derail. Because the only person who cares is the same one who is harmed when he plays the game.  

I then replaced it with another piece and continued with the 'daily post' strategy with grand ambitions, the next week I'd relaunch a glorious site with new podcasts, newsletters, and movie reviews. My brain needs and starves for the promise of a reset and some type of ritual to march towards its arrival. 

This is despite what I wrote above and the solid knowledge and decades of evidence that there is no such thing as a perfect start, and there will come a day when I miss a post or have to finish something that feels messy and less than my grand vision.

I should just jump in. I need to jump in. But my brain clings to something nonsensical, yet I feel productive and hopeful.

When a movie review, podcast, or newsletter arrives, I hope that means the cycle is dead.

And I can accept a day of silence or a post that I work hard on, but still missed the mark.

No idea if any of this makes sense. But this is a bit of a peek behind the curtain of what all or nothing can feel for a person with AuDHD.

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