I'm struggling financially. The harder part is the haunting doubts that my writing can't correct things, despite not feeling like there is much else I can do. I am stuck in toxic goo, sinking by the day, but I keep seeing a ladder just out of reach to pull me out.
I have ideas and the talent, but my mental health and self-doubt are so twisted up while I am still trying to figure out what being neurodivergent and successful means, that I remain trapped, unable to even brush the ladder of reversed fortunes.
I didn't recognize it at the time, but the complete and utter failure of my Letters to Santa idea was a major confidence suck. Though if I even take a second to think it through, the problem likely has a lot to do with not advertising them until December, when the launch should have been in September. If I ever try it again, I'd come in far more prepared, rather than the Hail Mary desperation pass that it was by offering a few extras and coming off far more professional.
The lack of any response essentially killed my follow-up idea of a PDF of updated essays from the site and other places. I thought it was a decent idea, but I started doubting it would be worth the effort if no one responded to my first offer. My brain protected me by keeping on pushing back, working on the PDF.
It then pushed back everything. I started 2026 with an idea of taking a few days to refocus and launch stronger, and now, somehow, we're at the halfway point of the year, and I haven't sent one Substack newsletter, only posted one podcast, and no 2026 reviews have been written.
It might be time to get back to work.
This week landed another nut shot in the form of a job offer that, even if I only got 40 hours out of it, would have significantly helped my debt and financial situation, and given me the momentum to start believing in myself again and possibly lead to even more lucrative work.
But not being able ot afford any photo ID at the moment means I can't take the job, and they aren't budging on making concessions or alternative options. I realize that it's more of a them thing than me, but it definitely makes me think I just must not be worth the effort.
But I also, despite not being that productive this year and feeling I am letting my readers and listeners down, got several very kind donations from people I don't even know. If a stranger is giving you money because they like your work, then it must have some kind of value.
I am in a tough spot. The next few weeks, I really need money, and my current lined-up work won't make a dent or offer the help I need. My site, newsletter, and podcast don't make much more than money for a pastry and fancy coffee (but I can't buy them because I have to save up for the important things I can't afford).
What does it mean? It definitely means I am grateful that I have people who still read my stuff and clearly care about my work. Every kind word and any level of donation means more than you'd ever know.
It also means I just need to start throwing myself out there. Not create the perfect newsletter or podcast, and craft the masterpieces, but just something that takes my effort and creativity, and let the world decide its fate. I just need to create and see where that will take me.
I will also likely launch a paid tier for the newsletter because I've been given pledges, and I can't access that money until the newsletter goes paid. This also means I want to have some exclusive issues ready to go. I also want to at least try to see if PDF is something anyone would be interested in purchasing.
I have a lot planned, and even if I can't reach that ladder, I have some work to do.
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