The Complicated Relationship with AuDHD and Socialization

Some people who know me would say I am outgoing, friendly, and kind. 

Some would think I am reserved, quiet, and shy. 

Some would say I'm an animated goofball. 

Others a moody, grumpy, curmudgeon. 

Some think I am easy-going, and others a bouncing stressball. 

But inside, I always feel like I don't quite fit in, constantly analyzing that last conversation or doing a deep dive into that certain look. Afraid I talked too much about my passions, or it was too obvious I was lost in a group conversation, or afraid my drained social battery was interpreted as rudeness. 

I feel like a contradiction. Deeply wanting meaningful relationships and friendships, but at times completely terrified of navigating social situations with all its sensory obstacles, social rules, and expectations. 

The fear of being too much, misunderstood, or too clingy. I feel my AuDHD has successfully pushed away more relationships than the friendships I've made. But it has also given me an open-mindedness and empathy for others who may struggle or never quite fit in. 

I don't expect any of these to get much easier, but my hope is that my own journey allows me to create relationships that matter and help others feel seen and accepted.

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