I'm not sure when it started, but over the last few weeks, there has been a point in each day where my brain becomes pudding. Every thought gets swallowed by a thick, soupy fog. It's coated in a syrup of overwhelm as I constantly feel haunted by the need to make money, land more consistent work, and grow an audience for the site, newsletter, and podcast.
Of course, the newsletter and podcast should probably have something new if they have any chance of attracting a new audience. And I have ideas. Lots of ideas. Things I want to review. Stories I want to tell. Topics I want to discuss. I'm excited to create things for the site, podcast, and newsletter.
But my brain keeps demanding perfection while simultaneously being trapped in goo that seeps away coherent thought and the ability to produce.
I clean some dishes.
Do the laundry.
Cook dinner.
Each task seems to drain all I have in me.
I'm starting to suspect I haven't fully pulled myself out of autistic burnout. Decades of shame and guilt are still battering me, especially in the places I am most passionate about.
So what does this mean?
The best answer I've come up with is that I need to loosen my grip on the idea of the perfect review, the perfect newsletter, or the perfect podcast. Just create in all its messy glory.
Even if the podcast is only two minutes long.
Even if the review is only fifty words.
It's something.
Maybe those small mountains of wins can eventually build into something more majestic.
The same goes for landing work. Keep producing the best work I can for my current clients. Keep sending pitches. Keep developing ideas. Write the best pitch my current energy allows.
I spend a lot of time beating myself up for not being good enough.
But "not good enough" has always been better than nothing.
I'm also learning that my brain can only handle so much.
And that's okay.
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