I've been sitting on an idea for a newsletter article for over six months now. It explores the discovery that I'm not nearly as easy-going, chill, or flexible as I once thought. Many of those traits weren't natural parts of me at all, but were acquired through decades of masking.
So why have I allowed this idea to gestate for half a year?
The same reason I haven't posted a podcast for most of 2026.
The same reason the long-promised MCU and Disney animated theatrical review series remain hidden.
Throw in the serialized fiction, new release movie reviews, and countless other projects into the nothing but empty promises pile.
For months, I've told myself I just need to do a few administrative tasks, work through some internal hurdles, and become the new and focused version of myself, ready to tackle all these ideas.
But the truth is that all this preparation and planning is the same all-or-nothing pattern that crushed my confidence, mental health, and creativity for most of my life.
I just didn't have a name for it until recently.
For years, I kept running into a wall because I was trying to be neurotypical when the reality was that I'm a creative AuDHD person. Someone who needs to create, but who often becomes overwhelmed with shame for not creating the "proper" way.
I need to write about easy-going as masking for the newsletter, not because I suddenly feel ready or because I believe it will be the best thing I've ever written.
I need to write it for the exact opposite reason.
I need to create before I feel ready because the earth-shattering truth is that I'll probably never feel ready.
Maybe my subscribers will respond with, "That's what we've been waiting six months for?"
Maybe it will disappear among the thousands of other things I've written.
Maybe my first review back will stink worse than an elephant's fart.
At this point, that's not really the point.
The point is creating again.
Starting before my brain feels primed.
Learning to enjoy the creative process through the fog, the overwhelm, and the molasses.
Because the reality is that creating has always been one of the healthiest and most energizing things in my life. The challenge isn't creating; it's gently navigating the doubt, perfectionism, and constant voice insisting that whatever I make isn't good enough.
Will I post every day?
Will this be the most magnificent June in the history of Beyond the Balcony?
I have no idea.
And honestly, it doesn't matter.
What matters is that I create.
I slowly rebuild my career.
That I show up for my readers, listeners, and myself.
And that I offer the best work I'm capable of creating today, not some imaginary masterpiece that only exists in a future where I finally feel ready.
Because that day may never come.
But today is here.
And today, I can create.
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