The AuDHD Social Contradiction

 

My expereince being AuDHD is a constant boiling contradiction. Especially in social settings. I can be the life of the party, an engaging storyteller, and show empathy and compassion, but at times be the quietest person in the room, hiding away in a corner. 

I often can feel an energy in a room and sense someone's vibe. I'm the person many turn to, asking if we should trust someone or if a place feels safe. It is this radar that I've learned many neurodivergent people have. But then I am completely oblivious about how people see me. Are we friends? Are we acquaintances? Bitter enemies? Do they even know me? 

I find making friends so hard, because not only a history of bullying in my younger years or being told I'm too strange, but I often overthink every single comment, look, and movement for hours to the point I'm exhausted and too scared to initiate anything further with that person. 

I can come on too strong for those who didn't think we were as close as I had thought. Or seemed too distant for those who thought we were closer, but I was too nervous to reach out again to avoid being hurt. 

I love to create, write, perform, and spread my imagination. But also never know if what I did was worth it or connected. Again, maybe the harsh history, but also just one of the side effects of neurodivergent all-or-nothing thinking and tendency to assume it is perfection or trash. 

I know others struggle with this. That is why I know I need to be open about this and share it. Also, just let people know I'm trying to strategize ways to hop over that barrier and be better at making connections and friends, and being more fearless in creating and spreading my forms of art. 

If any of this resonates, I see you, and I'm always open to talking about it and strategizing together.

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