The hard truth is that I am way behind on audience, connections, published works, and finances than I should be as someone who has been freelancing since 2010 and has had a web presence all the way back in 2004.
I can only blame myself, even if I realize many of the challenges of growing my career came from being undiagnosed AuDHD, and more to the point, the burnout and depression that came from working against rather than with my neurodivergent brain.
It is frustrating to think I am light-years away from having connections that could build a portfolio or could grow my audience. Especially during a time of my line of credit, dying computers, inefficient footwear, non-existent photo ID, and a cracked phone with no plan can't be solved on account of being in the depths of poverty.
This type of thing haunts me as a husband and father. Embarrasses me as a creator who wants to believe he has something worthy for the world.
But I am in a bad place.
Despite that, I need to push on.
Believe that glimmer of hope is just a few more steps away.
Trust my past doesn't define me now or formulate my future.
I am AuDHd, and it does come with challenges. It doesn't need to define my success or the destination of my career.
It comes from recognizing sometimes a piece will be rejected. A review will be a fart in the wind. A newsletter will be left unopened. Not everything will be an instant classic or ever be remembered. But through all that, something may connect with one person deeply, and make this all worthwhile.
I feel desperate right now. I feel the drag of desperately needing some more money than I currently have. A fear that maybe this is all I'll ever have and there isn't an audience for what I create.
I know it is just feelings. Feelings aren't reality. This too will pass.
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