My life is kind of stuck in the loading phase. Much like when I try to do anything on my over-a-decade-old laptop, which I'm pretty sure is even older than my 14-year-old son. When I am especially down on myself, I'd argue this stuck-in-transition has been going on that long too.
But that is probably more to do with my all-or-nothing neurodivergent mindset that can accept I've had accomplishments, but I can't be considered a success until I've checked off every box on an arbitrary list I've concocted.
Currently, my income is minimal, and my lined-up work is less visible than a germ. Most days my body seems to be revolting in some form, which maybe have something to do with the germs I can't see combined with the invisble paid work.
I'm frustrated because I had convinced myself that an autism and ADHD diagnosis along with medication would suddenly turn me into a success cyborg that hunts down tasks and goals with efficiency and an iron will. Instead, I feel like I'm Wile E. Coyote, constantly falling off cliffs and blowing myself up in the name of catching my feathered ambitions.
I realized that my Concerta likely has given me far more focus, but the problem is things like awful sleep, executive dysfunction, perfectionism, and hyper-focusing on the wrong things have been what has curtailed me. I need to use my new sense of less mental clutter on actual tasks that need to be done, and also actually figuring out exactly what those are supposed to be.
I feel stuck. But I also know just banging the same pots and pans and expecting a new sound just causes the neighbours to call the noise police on you. I'd rather find my way to Carnegie Hall.
Not really. But like the metaphorical Carnegie Hall equivalent for a freelance creator and family man who desperately needs to make some money and get out of this funk.
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