The Infinite Money Pit

Sometimes I lie awake at night. Obsessing over whether I'll ever get out of financial peril. A massive line of credit. Monthly bills. Things around the house, from the broken garage door to our septic tank needing a major repair. Just having enough money to justify buying shoes, having a phone plan again, and upgrading my computer for work so it doesn't crash every other hour.

But I need savings. I need money to support my family. I need to make sure my kids can afford post-secondary if they choose. Yet I crunch numbers in a world where I make more consistent money, and I still feel like I am perpetually paying off the line of credit and making a few months' decisions about whether this extra money goes to shoes without holes or pants that fit.

On top of that, recent medical concerns from my heart, neurodivergence, teeth, sleep apnea, eyes, and mental health mean that even living in Canada, a lot of money has to go towards that too.

I feel like I am always sacrificing. I choose what matters, and then get criticized for delaying necessary things, but the shameful answer I hide is that I simply can't afford it.

But those late-night stress fests don't solve it. My hope as I continue to create my best work and make more connections with editors, I can slowly whittle away all those concerns. Maybe finally feel like I have some choice and control.

If I ever land myself in a world where I have substantial money, then I hope to be able to pay that forward to those who may be even worse off than I feel right now.

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