Telemarketers: Soceity's Bum Zit. . .

Here is the actual dictionary definition of telemarketer.

tel'e'mar'ket'er n. 1. The single most annoying people on the face of the Earth which includes Pauly Shore and Roseanne 2. The symbolic zit on society's symbolic bum 3. The reason people have unregistered/private phone numbers.

I understand that a job is a job. You need to make money in order to heat your trailer or buy your package of spam. Telemarketers must be the least liked people of any profession. I would probably rather have dinner with Carrot Top with all his lame props then ever be interrupted by another vile telemarketer. I don't think I'll ever resort to having that as my profession. If I do then please feel free to throw baseball bats with nails inserted directly at my face.

Here are some real conversations I have had with the people known as the bane of my existence.

'Is Mr. Christopher David Spicer there?'


'Are you interested in getting a really expensive insurance package that will not benefit you in anyway?


'Would you like to hear about it?'

'I'm going to hang up now.'

'Great! I will now drone on for 20 minutes about something you have no desire to purchase with no regards to the fact you have been busy doing something or have to go somewhere in the next hour! Sound like a great idea?


'Awesome!. What is your name?'

"Uh, you already know it?'

'What is your birthdate? Your address? IQ level? Favourite soft drink of choice? Do you prefer walks or cuddling? If you have to lose any finger which one would it be?'


'Thank you! I'm now going to put you on hold for 10 minutes and transfer you to someone you don't want to talk to!'

'Please don't.'

"You are on hold! Ten minutes of your life has now been wasted!'


'Hi there, you are interested in our 30 day trial for our useless but expensive insurance! I'm going to put you on it right now! Remember, it is free for 30 days! Then, after 30 days we will start to charge you an arm and a leg! We will be sure to not notify you when your trial period is off! We hope to trick you into giving us all your money!'

"I never even said I wanted this. You just started taking my personal info. I demand you take me off this or I'll leave your bank.'

'But its completely useless and really expensive! We've already wasted your entire evening, wouldn't you like to also lose all your money?'

'When you put it that way, absolutely not.'

'Fantastic! Now, I need. . . '

---dial tone-----

Want more proof of the crappiness of the crappy?

'Hello, is [insert boss here]'

"Sorry, he is out for the day. Can I transfer you to his voice mail?'

'Are you an employer at this place of business?'

'Do you even know what this place is?'

'Of course not, but I hope to trick you into buying a really lousy and high interest cost Business Credit Card? Do you work here?'

'No, I just answer phones at random places of business because it's a deep passion of mine. Of course, I work here.'

'Lucky you, then you qualify for this really amazing Business Credit Card!'

'I really couldn't be less interested.'

"Awesome! I just need your name, address, phone number, monthly income, and your soul!'

'Uh, I'm sort of working here. I really need to go and you know, work.'

'This will only waste your entire morning! I mean, it will take about 5 minutes! Then we can start sucking you for all you are worth!'

'Wow, serious! I'm convinced! Let's start the long and torturous process now!'

'Okay, so first I need your name. . . '

----dial tone-------

I'm sorry if this offended any telemarketers. Truth is, you are pure evil. Have a great day!


  1. ah good ol telemarketers...whenever they mispronounce your name, that's the first clue. I can't TELL you how many times I picked up the phone to hear, "Is miss Eudy in? Eedy?" and many other renditions of a very simple name...EDDY...not the ice cream...that's Eudy's..frigg I LOOK like ice cream???

  2. Anonymous9:59 pm

    ok so most of you know me right. Well i would hope that most of you don't consider me pure evil right. But i was a telemarketer!!! (shock.. horror... sharp intake of breath)
    Yes i sat in a cubicle with a headset and got verbally abused for 8 hrs a day but you know what i needed the money and occasionally i did actually help people and save them money. So as you sit there agreeing with every word of this post remember even nice guys can be forced into taking sucky jobs.

  3. my favorite is "if you give me your home number i will be sure to call you back when you are spending time with your family over dinner."
    usually we just hang up when they say our name wrong.


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