I'm a Better Dad Than Him. . .

The Most Irritating But Far Too Common Conversation After A Break-Up

Bernie Blabberton: Hey, I just heard the news.

Jerrelle Jumpkick: Yeah, Sasha Sugarcakes and I broke up.

Blabberton: I'm sorry man.

Jumpkick: It really sucks, because we were together for over 3 years. I totally didn't see it coming.

Blabberton: Well, I think it is for the better, bud.

Jumpkick: Why is my heart being shattered into a thousand pieces for the better, again?

Blabberton: Well, there is thousands of amazing girls out there, man.

Jumpkick: Thank you for the population update. But I was sort of attached to the one I spent countless non returnable hours with.

Blabberton: The thing is my friend, I never really liked Sasha Sugarcakes.

Jumpkick: What?!?

Blabberton: Yeah, I didn't think you guys were very good together. She was totally bad for you, and I felt she treated you horribly.

Jumpkick: Uh. . . yet you neglected to ever mention this to me for the three plus years I was dating her.

Blabberton: Well, you know how it is. You can't criticize a guy's girlfriend because he isn't ever going to be able to listen objectively.

Jumpkick: Yet apparently it is okay to just watch a good friend slowly die inside while he is in the biggest mistake of his life?

Blabberton: Well, you just have to hope he eventually sees the light. It isn't like you'd ever be willing to hear what we actually thought about the relationship.
Jumpkick: We?!?

Blabberton: Yeah, no one liked her. But we knew you’d never listen to any of our advice about her.

Jumpkick: Not even the time last year when I asked you, "What is your opinion about my relationship with Sasha?" And you then told me, "She is the one you're meant to be with, because you guys are awesome together."

Blabberton: Well, it isn't like you ever ask that, and then want the honest truth.

Jumpkick: Even when I asked you again, and told you that I want the honest truth?

Blabberton: Yeah, but I knew you weren’t ready for the actual truth and it would have just made things worse. It wasn’t the time to tell you.

Jumpkick: What about 3 months ago, when I said that I really wanted your truthful advice and opinion on my relationship?

Blabberton: Again, you weren’t ready. But now you are.

Jumpkick: So, this whole time you thought it was a bad relationship?

Blabberton: Yep.

Jumpkick: Even when last month you came with me while I was shopping for engagement rings? And you stated that you were so proud of me and this was the best decision of my life?

Blabberton: Yeah, that was code for you need to get out of this relationship.

Jumpkick: What about right before I bought the ring, and I asked you specifically, "Are you sure I am making the right decision and is Sasha the one for me?" And you told me that she was my soul mate.

Blabberton: It is the special bro signal that you need to get out of the relationship.

Jumpkick: Which I apparently didn’t have the decoder ring for. So, you're now saying all those things you said were lies.

Blabberton: No. Code. And I was also testing you to see if you really wanted to be with her. See, my strategy worked. You're free.

Jumpkick: Because she dumped me for Quantro Quarterpants.

Blabberton: Exactly.

Jumpkick: So, you are completely positive it is good that we broke up and that she was actually really awful for me.

Blabberton: She was the zombie princess and was slowly feasting upon your very soul.

Jumpkick: Well, we got back together.

Blabberton: Oh wow. That is awesome man. I always knew you two were meant for each other.

Jumpkick: Okay. I just lied. We aren't back together,

Blabberton: I know. It was a special top secret test to see how you really feel.

Jumpkick: You're an idiot.