9 Reasons You Should Buy Me a Laptop

And I totally mean YOU.  Trust me, you'll be reaching for your wallet once you read these 9 solid reasons (probably so you can beam it off my head).

1.  I want one.

2.  Do you smoke a pack a day, but really want to quit?  Or maybe you have a gambling, drug, or pop tart problem?  I've now given you the best way to quit.  You spend your "smokes/beer/slots/crack/pastries/slushies" fund on getting me a laptop, and make sure you buy the best model possible to totally wipe out your account.  If you have no money to buy those things then obviously you're forced to quit.  You're welcome.  To thank me for my kindness, you can buy me an iPad once you get more money.

3.  I know you're all wishing you could read an endless stream of my borderline insane thoughts.  Well, with my own portable typing machine then I can just keep on blogging all day, and you'll be assaulted with my ramblings nonstop.  If you're going to get assaulted, then it mind as well be by my blog.

4.  After you turn off the latest episode of Parking Wars, you likely say, "I wish I could read Christopher's thoughts on this episode."  Well, if I'd ever waste the time to watch such crap then you'd get my ramblings moments after the show ended.  You'll likely just read me bitching about The Office again, though.

5.  When you go to a coffee shop, your chances of finding me typing on a laptop and totally ignoring you will have increased.  Though it will help if you live in Brantford and will spare me some change for a coffee.

6.  You'll have saved Emily from having to hear me moan, "It would be so much easier if I had a laptop" ever again.

7.  Emily is also getting sick and tired of me always losing my mittens.  This will ensure that she will never get annoyed again when I forget my mittens on the bus.  On an unrelated note, I will likely need a new laptop by February.

8.  I know you've been counting down the days until you can buy 55 copies each of my books.  With a laptop, I guarantee that I'll finally get that book written, and maybe even think about sending it out to get bought and published.

9.  All respected writers own a laptop and every "internet entrepreneur" suckers people for cash.  You'll allow me to finally pretend to be both.