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Moment of Self-Doubt


I posted this on Facebook earlier today:

I hope this comes off as transparent and honest rather than pandering for sympathy and encouragement. But yesterday, I posted questions about 'The Movie Breakdown' all over social media and got the hefty number of zero responses. It was the latest victory for the dark voices of self doubt whispering that my career ambitions are futile for someone of my talent level. 

I've been meaning for weeks to start up a Facebook page for 'The Movie Breakdown' but I'm terrified the responses will be the latest reaffirmation that I am writing, blogging and podcasting into the wind. I've always struggled with comparing my own success with others, but the last few years my writing career has been hampered over crushing fear that I'm being delusional that there is an audience out there for my work.

Despite that overbearing doubt, I will be launching 'The Movie Breakdown' Facebook page today, not for any kind of validation, but rather that I think it is a great way to increase interaction and connection with the podcast's listeners. My hope is that this new outlet for communication will allow the show to be even better. If you enjoy the show then please consider joining the Facebook page when it launches later today and as always, it is greatly appreciated if you spread the word to other movie fans. Thanks.

This was a tough one to write. I debated for far too many hours if I would post it. It isn't that I haven't been honest and open about my self-doubt and mental health before but most of that has been stowed away on this blog for those who actively want to read my stuff rather on Facebook where anyone could take a gander at the emotional cripple.

It is also just makes me feel very vulnerable to admit that I deeply care if people read my work or listen to my podcast. In the last little bit, I've seen the numbers for my writing and the podcast begin to take some significant dips. I think that I can justify the sag and with a little hard work and promotion correct the direction, but there is that nagging voice that no one care what I have to say or think that I am not very good at saying it. I fear all my hopes and ambitions for writing are delusional and foolish. There is something frightening about the thought that I may be at my peak right now and that I've reached my limit for an audience that I can achieve. I often feel like all this podcasting and writing is just me shouting at a white wall.

Of course, over my years of professionally writing, I have achieve great success. There was a time that I was flowing with optimism and I looked to be right about hitting the proverbial "big break." Then the big contract that I was about to sign became vapour, some of my more profitable sites went out of business, and of course, that was all around the time that I left the lesser paying but consistent jobs. While I am still doing okay and there always seems to be a certain level work, the last few weeks I've been feeling very low about the lack of popularity for my blog or podcast, especially since both at one time were growing.

But like my Facebook post said, I'm going to take a big step forward. A Facebook page for The Movie Breakdown will launch today, I'm going to make a harder marketing push, and get back to this blog being a very active and prolific place. I've got some big plans in place, and hopefully, I will remain busy enough that I won't have time to listen to those nagging voices.

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