Spicy Reheat: My Letter to Katie Holmes to Tell Her That She Is Too Late

(CS: This is one of the more popular and almost viral things that I've ever written on this site. It may not really need the modern exposure, but this was written way back in July of 2012 and I really don't write this type of stuff as much anymore. I thought, I'd throw it out on here because I think it is fun and worth showing new readers a different side of my writing.)

Dear Katie Holmes,

I recently found out you are filing a divorce with Tom Cruise.  You've apparently realized that a cult isn't really the greatest place to raise your daughter.  Well, several points for you.  What you don't get points for, is waiting so many years before making yourself single again.  After the divorce is official, you might get the urge to travel to Ontario for a vacation and pull a Notting Hill with some schlub in the area.  Well, you had your chance 6 years ago, but now this schlub is spoken for.

I had a celebrity crush for you way back in the late 90s, when you were doing the Dawson Creek thing.  I was captivated by your eyes and also felt you had a room warming smile.  Plus you were tall, so I'd never lose you at amusement parks or busy shopping malls.  Not that I had a habit of losing girlfriends in those places, I usually was just dumped by them instead.  You had a beauty that made you innocent but also mature.  I always got the impression you'd be a fun person to talk to, and maybe even to get to reach for things way back in the cupboard.

I also thought you'd end up being the biggest star from your Dawson's Creek pack.  You were really funny during your SNL appearance, and you had a solid performance in the movie Go.  I was a big fan of Go, and appreciated that you were willing to take on more mature fare despite being associated with a teen series.  Though, it seems like I ended up being wrong about you becoming the biggest star of the bunch.  You still have time, but you might need a year or two for people to forget you were in Jack & Jill.  Michelle Williams went off and got herself two Oscar nominations, so you have some catching up to do.

In the early 2000s, I was there Katie just waiting for you to start wandering through the province of Ontario.  I moved to a few different cities back then, so you had to have traveled a bit.  You must like to travel, seems like you go to Europe lots.  Ontario isn't Europe, but we do have a London.  Though I never lived there, but you could have maybe shared a bagel with my aunt.  But I was willing Katie to give us chance.

I realize that Hollywood types like to date other Hollywood types.  But how many Hollywood relationship end up being complete disasters?  Remember you and Tom Cruise?  I offered you the chance for absolutely no professional jealousy.  There really wasn't any way you could be jealous of early 2000s Christopher.  I'd have been good for your ego.  Plus I lived really close to a convenience store that had some great sales on Pringles.  I would have totally let you have one or two chips.

But then you decided you start dating Chris Klein.  I was crushed.  Klein is tall and muscular and handsome.  He reminded me of the jocks from high school.  What a shock, you chose an attractive movie star over a guy you never knew existed.  This fact also reminded me again of my high school relationship career.  Well, except the girls weren't dating movie stars but more popular high school guys.  Brantford doesn't produce a lot of movie stars.  We have Wayne Gretzky who may have made a cameo in a movie, but I didn't go to school with him.

You then came to your senses and ended things with Chris Klein.  You finally were going to get your chance to date a guy who couldn't even properly wear his winter coat.  What a dream.  I even had a steady job at a camp up north at that point, so I could buy us way more Pringles.  But then you chose Tom Cruise over me, just because he once saved a Unicorn from the Lord of Darkness.  Well, I once had survived a whole night alone in the woods, though I also got myself lost in those woods -- but I survived a bear or maybe it was a fat skunk (I ran away before finding out which one).

Then you joined a cult and appeared in far less movies.  You just didn't seem as attractive or smart as I once thought.  Because most smart people realize cults are for whack jobs.  You stopped appearing in movies that I wanted to see.  Well, except for Batman Begins, because that movie was awesome.  I might decide to go watch it again right after writing this.  It was that awesome.  But then you didn't return for the sequel, because you wanted to have a kid or were busy playing tag with the Beckhams. 

Well, now you're single again.  You might be thinking it is time to start scanning the landscape.  You may realize that your destiny was to always date and marry a relatively unknown and moderately successful writer who lives in Brantford.  I agree.  At one time, that could have been your destiny.  Maybe it still is.

You won't be able to date and marry this relatively unknown and moderately successful writer.  He is taken.  He is very, very, very, very happily taken.  He is smitten by his wife.  He also has a super awesome kid.  So, you'll have to Notting Hill some other schlub.

This doesn't have to mean the end of us.  You can feel free to visit if you want.  We can talk about old times.  I'll talk about how I had your poster, and you can talk about how you never knew me.  It'll be fun.  Plus Suri can play with Everett.  Sure, she is like 6 years older than him.  But maybe she can dress him in doll outfits or let him chew on her finger.  When she is bored with Everett, she can run away from Summit for a few hours.  It'll be a grand time.

You missed your chance, but you can still come over to watch Master Chef and have my dog drool on you.  Plus we need our upstairs vacuumed, in case you want to try that kind of thing out.

I look forward to seeing you drop by,