Sight Unseen: An Ignorant Plot Synopsis of Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore

  DISCLAIMER: I have not seen the film.  This synopsis is merely my best guess, based off of the trailer and my flabbergasted intellect.

 Old dude sits in his castley house and thinks about his memory after a floating Fererro Rocher enters through the cracked open window.  The night before was Heroes of Burritos night, and thus the window most definitely needed to be cracked.  With his long and grey beard, he remembers a time when his chin coiffure was much shorter and more in line with what was considered acceptable.  Oh yes, those were the good old times.  

Back then there was a wizard who was generally considered a royal pain in the ass.  His name was Gellert Grindewald, and he was in possession of a magic wand with the serial number scratched off.  Wizards usually have legally acquired and registered wands, and it's a super big red flag when some punk like Grindewald has a sketchy wand, which he wields to extract people's pixy dust.

A brave crew of law abiding wizards decide that Grindewald must be apprehended and scolded.  Newt Scamander gives a wand to a muggle named Jacob, but this was a mistake based on a clerical error.  Procurement officer Dennis didn't know that it was a misinterpretation of the more Slavic name Yakov, and this blunder was going to cost hime his yearly bonus.  He hides the fact in a pile of paperwork and figures out that getting a rogue wizard to cause some mess would keep people preoccupied and not noticing the stupid gaff.

Dennis hears of an eccentric feller named Credence Barebone who is kind of a wizard merc.  Barebone is obsessed with both Adam Driver and Johnny Cash, and presents himself as a cross between the two.  Part Driver, part Cash, all bastard.  Barebone takes the offer and gets down to being a jerk.

Meanwhile, Scamander and his chums, affectionately known as The Newt Crew, take a train ride to decompress and have a few giggles.  The conductor comes into their private train car and gives them a special offer.  Nearby there is a Honey, I Shrunk the Kids escape room, and would anyone want to give it a whirl.  It's not a well promoted escape room, and they are trying to really drum up some word of mouth to get the place sizzling.

Newt and his brother Theseus haven't done one of those since their pa died, and this would be a great way to remember him.  They are disappointed when the clues are blatant and obvious.  The most fun comes in a recreation of the scorpion scene from the film.  At first they have to do line dancing with a bunch of small scorpions (a deleted sequence from the hit 1989 comedy), but then it gets super intense when a much larger scorpion shows up.  It was a hoot.

While all of this is happening, Grindewald is trying to come up with a plan to wage war on the idiot people of earth.  In his mind, idiot people should be wiped out.  Standing fully clothed in his relaxation bath, a brat of a human disturbs him to ask how to dial out.  Grindewald screams, 'I'm having a soak!', and then shoots a bunch of bath water at him.

The Newt Crew hear about this mastery of bath water and instantly know that their chances for victory are minimal.  They also find out about the Adam Driver-Johnny Cash wannabe, and decide this is all just too much trouble.  They will also have to ascend a lot of stairs if they want to battle Grindewald, and Theseus has bad knees.  Their plan is abandoned, and they decide to be the first financially sponsored escape room team.