Sight Unseen: An Ignorant Plot Synopsis of The Northman

  DISCLAIMER: I have not seen the film.  This synopsis is merely my best guess, based off of the trailer and my flabbergasted intellect. 

The skies be dark with clouds n' such, and a bunch of vikings sail home to see their loved ones and participate in The Festival.  Once the vikings arrive on shore, they tell themselves it's finally happened.  They are home with just one day to spare before The Festival.

Inside the viking city-town, a young boy with a bad haircut gets excited that his father has come home.  You see, his father usually is the one to cut the boy's hair.  With father being gone for so long, mother had to step in and take care of it herself.  She was so nervous about this ever important task, but while smoking an extremely sticky fatty with her neighbour Rosalie, she sees an empty bowl where all that prime kush had just been.  

Rosalie says, "Darned it, Beverly!  By Odin's beard, he hath provided a bowl to collect the young man's hair."  Because Beverly is so lit, she doesn't remember this exchange properly.  Instead of using the bowl to catch the cut off hair she places it over his head and begins to cut around it.  This is the birth of the bowl cut.  Tell your friends.

Father arrives home, and is so disappointed in the child's haircut that he takes him out into the empty woods.  He motions around him and says something along the lines of, "I'll leave your mother out here if you ever let her touch your hair again.  Is that what you want?  You want your mother living out here with the crows and those sh*tty little squirrels?  Do you want your mother living with these sh*tty squirrels?”

Before the boy has a chance to answer, Uncle Fjolnir shows up in a right pissed off state.  Long has he been remembered as the defender of the furry members of the suborder sciuromorpha and family sciuridae, so he had taken this guy's comments on squirrels personally,.  Previously, he had more generally offered his protection to all members of the chordata phylum, but decided to specialize in a much more specific realm of the animalia kingdom.  Isn't animal classification a pip?

Things turn nasty, and Fjolnir offs the head of father, and the bowl boy runs away.  He knows that he must take revenge on Fjolnir.  He is aware that his father really did step out of line with his squirrel comments, but that wasn't bad enough to justify decapitation.  Bowl boy will wait until he is free of this haircut to seek revenge.

Rowing along in a big ol' viking boat, bowl boy is on his way to see an enchantress in the woods.  She will be able to give him some insight that he needs to battle Fjolnir.  If anything, she could recommend a better haircut that will really show off his eyes.  Her knowledge of haircuts has earned her the nickname, 'The Gwendjiorl Bamjbattri of the Woods,’ and we all know just how smart Gwendjiorl Bamjbattri is when it comes to follicle fashion.

The wood shrew tells bowl boy that all he needs to do is successfully infiltrate his uncle's enclave, get past their guards, take out their lookouts, battle the first garrison, punch the second garrison, wallop the warriors on horses, burn that mother down, and kill Fjolnir.  Bowl boy is surprised to hear how simple it is.  He and his good time friends scream at their swords before going and killing Uncle Fjolnir.