Unearthing The Garbage: Santa Paws

Sight Unseen: An Ignorant Plot Synopsis of Downton Abbey: A New Era


 DISCLAIMER: I have not seen the film.  This synopsis is merely my best guess, based off of the trailer and my flabbergasted intellect.

So, uh, the Crawley's find out that old Dowager Countess of Grantham was in possession of a villa in the south of France that had never gotten mentioned until now.  And, well, they pack their bags and go there.  Uh, so yeah, all of the people take a trip.  That's I guess the plot shown by the trailer, which is giving me absolutely nothing at all to work with.  A lot of people have gone to a cottage before, either theirs, someone they know, or one that was rented.  This is hardly worthy of a movie being made, but it's Thursday and I need to write a plot synopsis. 

Absolutely No Spoilers Follow

Motion pictures are becoming a thing, and some dude ranch director wants to film a moving picture film at the abbey.  Because they are such staunch and uptight rum runners, Robert Crawley, the 7th Earl of Grantham doesn't' want production crew members poking around in the basement where he is perfecting Downton Absinthe.  Normally he wasn't into that kind of sh*t, but the market wants what the market wants.

What he doesn't know is that the Countess of Grantham, Cora Crawley, has found that Sudafed contains pseudoephedrine, and she can just purchase it off the shelves in nearby Ripon.  Ms Patmore secretly mentions that while she is primarily the cook for the abbey, she knows a neat trick.  With some chemical stuff, she can turn that Sudafed into an ever so blissful crystal.  Of course, Cora is intrigued and gives the go-ahead to Patmore.  Cora will source the ingredients and take care of distribution.

The Dowager Countess comes across Cora counting stacks of cash one day, and inquires as to where it came from.  "A lady never tells," says Cora with the dignity and grace of a true Lady.  "Now scram, and don't let the door hit ya where God split ya."

Cora's new business grows and grows.  Her sellers are constantly running out of product and having to re-up.  Word of her most awesome product spreads as far as the Isle of Wight.  This is good for business, but it starts catching the attention of some very evil blokes who threaten a turf war if Cora doesn't become subservient and work for them.  Lady Grantham has no intentions of doing this, and hires Mr Bates to be her head of security.  He is Lord Grantham's personal valet, so he is walking a thin line.  Dude knows how to beef out justice, though.

Things get crazy when Lady Grantham orders a hit on Tough Bill Burgesson, the leader of The Crazy Hard Boyz  (who, coincidentally are crazy hard).  Tough Bill Bergesson has been a total prat and tried to push her out of the area around Leeds.  Not doing anything would be a sign of weakness, so her hand is forced. Over a fried chicken dinner, she lays out her desire for Tough Bill Bergesson to be killed with a car bomb. "Kill that fool wit an automobeeeel esplosion," a drunk Cora demands as she goes "pssssssshhhh" and uses her hands to recreate the visual impact of an esplosion as she sways back and forth.

Mr Bates figures that outsourcing this task to the sheepish Daisy Parker, a worker in Patmore's kitchen, is the play.  She is someone who nobody would suspect. She was a part of a sham wedding with a dying soldier in the past, so girl knows how to lie.  He thought about getting that prick Thomas Barrow to do it, but he really is a prick, and they never got along.

Everything goes to plan, and the bomb puffs up Burgesson in a smokey esplosion. The police come to investigate and find out that this esplosion is not normal for a Ford Model T.  Still, they want to be cautious, and Ford enacts a recall for the Model T to ensure no more possible esplosions.  Scotland Yard is now on the case, and has heard from some confidential informers on the street about the meth that is poisoning the country. But dang, that stuff is absolutely crackin'.

The Dowager is approached by the John Law to spy on Cora.  The fuzz have a suspicion that Cora is behind this.  Remembering all of that cash she had seen Cora handling, The Dowager decides to be a double agent, working with Cora for a forty perfect split of the profits and misleading the coppers in their investigation.  When they run out of room to hold the money, they set up some offshore corporations in the Cayman Islands.  They funnel some of that cash into properties, and The Dowager makes up a story about how they got a villa in the south of France.

The entire family thinks that a trip to the villa will be a grand idea, so that's how the stupid plot happens.


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