Unearthing The Garbage: Santa Paws

Sight Unseen: An Ignorant Plot Synopsis of Elvis

  DISCLAIMER: I have not seen the film.  This synopsis is merely my best guess, based off of the trailer and my flabbergasted intellect.

Dude named Elvis is all like rock and roll.  Well before the age of the emo-kid, he kind of has that look.  Pouty and baby faced, just like an Edward vampire.  Dude is hot.  Whenever he picks up his magical geetar all sorts of young ladies cannot help but scream.  All sorts of boyfriends of those young ladies can't stand this guy, on account of all of their girlfriends getting all screamy.

Elvis is turning into a star, with the help of some guy with a weird accent.  That man with the accent?  Well, that's Colonel Tom Parker.  Yes, the one and only Colonel Tom Parker, heir to the Fleishmann's Traditional Yeast fortune.  All of his wealth is tied up in Slinky futures, so he needs a side hustle to satisfy his expensive tastes.

A rift grows between the two men, as all Elvis wants to do is either be on stage or in a car, and all Colonel Tom Parker wants is for Elvis to sell records and talk about Fleishmann's Traditional Yeast on prime time tele shows.  Little did either know, this battle ended up being the butterfly wings that fluttered and ushered in the era of late night television infomercials.

The Colonel is just in bits over all of this, and turns to his friend and former colleague, General Zaroff.  A kind and listening ear is offered by Zaroff.  He may have been a brute in his earlier days, but he has always been known as a dude who is a good listener, a skill he honed out of boredom when living with his deaf-mute assistant Ivan.  Zaroff learned that when he was finally able to have a conversation with a talking person he could keep the interaction lasting longer by simply nodding and saying, 'I hear ya, my man.'

A few years pass, and Elvis just can't get frustration out of his craw.  "You're bleeding me dry, Colonel," he snaps.  The Colonel leans back in his chair, nods, and says, "I hear ya, my man."  The two realize that their relationship has been strained to the point of breaking.

Zaroff kindly offers to host the two for a weekend away on his island, where they can get some R & R and kick back.  When Elvis and Colonel Tom Parker arrive, Zaroff admits that he only has one bed.  Elvis and Parker will have to hunt each other to the death to decide who gets to sleep in the bed.  The battle is mighty, and the winner is pissed off with the prize which has a disappointing thread count on its linens.




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