Sight Unseen: An Ignorant Plot Synopsis of Jurassic World: Dominion

 DISCLAIMER: I have not seen the film.  This synopsis is merely my best guess, based off of the trailer and my flabbergasted intellect.

 Well, a few years after a dumb kid released a handful of dinosaurs from an auction house (wasn't that what we all have been dying to see? A dinosaur auction house?), dinosaurs are everywhere.  Obviously it would have been impossible for authorities to recapture or kill the thunder lizards that escaped, because reptiles of their size blend so well in a cityscape and don't leave any noticeable tracks when they could make it to the wilderness.  As well, since it was a handful of them, there is no way a group that size could ever be contained.

Raptor Man and Theme Park Lady are living in a snowy forest.  Raptor Man has his favourite dino-buddy living with them.  There's also that small stupid kid that caused this entire mess because she's stupid and they needed a reason for a sequel.  Thankfully, Blue (the velociraptor) is a family pet and doesn't have primal urges to kill people when it's hungry.  Blue also appreciates when humans keep their word.

All of a sudden, there is chaos.  There are dinosaurs everywhere, because obviously a handful of large lizards would procreate so quickly that they could cover the planet.  People are all like, "What happened here?  I thought these were all like extinct.  Like what the crappy barnyard is happening?"

Something needs to be done about this, so they get some specialists in dinosaurs that would look appealing in trailers, as well as a guy who does math (who also looks appealing in the trailers).  Whenever something apocalyptic happens, the first thing the authorities do is reach for a calculator, and when that isn't within arm's length, they need to get a mathmagician.

Raptor Man and Theme Park Lady need to rescue a baby raptor because Raptor Man made a promise to Blue to do such a thing.  Dinosaurs don't like it when people go back on their words, and Blue would throw a hissy fit.  Have you ever seen a raptor throw a hissy fit?  It's not pretty.  Prepare for the throw pillows on your sofa to be tossed around and destroyed.

Heading to some sort of Europe City, they notice that all sorts of dinosaurs are in the town square.  Obviously dinosaurs would be there because it's a simple migration from North America.  All the two heroes wanted was to get some baguettes and cheese from the local market to fuel up for their adventure, but nasty dinosaurs be cantankerous and cause a muck.  Theme Park Lady and Raptor Man have to flee the muck, so they get all driving in cars and motorbicycles and the cantankerous dinos bring their much in hot pursuit.

Escaping there, they meet up with the scientist that have been recruited to deal with this problem, as well as the guy who knows fractions and long division very well.  They regale the bunch of them with the story of the muck they escaped, and are all like, "We have to stop this muck in its tracks."

A plan is hatched for them to do some sort of heroic thing that will help sell lunch boxes and t-shirts.  A whole crap-load of dinosaurs try and stop them, but, with the powers of geometry, the Pythagorean Theorem and an intimate knowledge of the works of Rene Descartes, they are able to devise a plan that is guaranteed to work.  They rescue that dumbbomb of a baby raptor and takes it home to Blue.  Sadly, Blue already had a hissy fit, and the living room is a mess.  Oh well, live and learn.