Unearthing The Garbage: Santa Paws


Note: To be honest, I have no memory of watching and reviewing this film. Some of the worst movies stick with you, but some just slide off forever. This seems to be one of those films.  From what I wrote, this appears to have been a traumatic experience for me. I would love to say that I’ll never revisit the film to see if I remember it, but I can’t. That’s the sort of thing I seem to love to do.  

Original Review: Children are interesting creatures.  They can sit through a feature length film, blissfully unaware of the fact that what they are watching is, in reality, slowly ripping apart their parents from within.  Yes, there may be shiny objects or cute, fuzzy animals on the screen.  These can be enough to capture the attention of a youngling, bringing them into some sort of odd state of curious entertainment arousal while the fix they are seeking is poison to any caregiver within twenty five feet.  While they giggle, we, the dying, cough and pray that it will mercifully be all over soon.

Kids can like crap.  It has always been that way, and it will never change.  Revisiting many of my childhood favourites has taught me that when it came to quality entertainment, I was as dumb as a strudel.  Because of this, movies like Santa Claws get made.  Brought to us by the mock-buster behemoth The Asylum, the cinematic goo that is hacked up onto the screen is a contagion meant to annihilate any mature, sentient being.

The movie is about a bunch of talking kittens, who end up causing Santa to have an allergic reaction which takes him out, leaving them to win the day and deliver all of the toys.  I'm not sure why this and a few other movies (if I am remembering them right) treat Santa the same as a pirate captain on an island fortress.  Just like that island pirate captain, whoever is able to defeat him gets to be in charge.  For some reason, this power structure also applies to Saint Nick.  Whatever person, or kitten, can neutralize him can have his job.

In this film, there are two adults that are jerks.  One is a mother, and the other is a neighbour who is infatuated with Santa and is a total creep.  Speaking of creeps, have you ever taken a second to really think about Santa Claus?  Let's face it, he is a creepy, bearded stranger that we have heard about through word of mouth, never hearing directly from someone who has seen him and lived to tell the tale, much like Keyser Soze.  He sneaks up on your household using silent transport before breaking into your home to pass judgement on your innocent little children, laughing with joy the entire time.  He will also eat any food you happen to leave out.

There is really not much interesting that happens in this movie.  Because it is made by The Asylum, the special effects are horrendous.  While that works to their favour in creature features, it is merely a contagious rash in Santa Claws.  Because of their low budget, we really only see the cats mouths 'moving' while they talk at the beginning of the film and then for a few times at the end.  Ninety eight percent of their dialogue happens when they are either off screen or are seen from an angle that would not show their mouth.

That's all of the actual film criticism I am going to give to this 'movie.'

I believe that too often studios are fine making children's movies that aren't great.  Well, maybe they don't need to be 'great,' but at least the people making the film should strive to make a good product.  The fact that some of these films are aimed at children intentionally keep from being polished isn't right.  Just because your children may not understand at this moment that the people making it didn't care about them, they will quickly learn it years later when they seek out that movie they enjoyed in their youth.  Children shouldn't be treated like idiots just because others can get away with it.  They should be treated with respect, and those creating the content should at least have some minimal desire that these children will still enjoy that film years later, creating an experience that will live in proper nostalgia for their lives.

Rating - 0.5 out of 4 stars