An AuDHD Video That Explains Why I Went Undiagnosed for Decades

I deeply resonate with this video by Karen at AuDHD Hub (a fantastic channel if you’re looking to learn more or connect with an AuDHD community). I didn’t fit the rigid view of autism or ADHD that existed in the 1980s, and back then the belief was that you couldn’t have both. That thinking didn’t change until 2013.

I’ve since learned I’m a very high-masking AuDHD. Before my diagnosis, I had no idea that’s what I was doing. I just thought I was flailing, constantly trying to “fix” myself and become “normal.”

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Childhood Support and Early Masking

I was blessed to have deeply understanding parents. At home, I could rock, talk to myself, and act out elaborate stories. They weren’t worried when I spent afternoons running around the backyard pretending to be in Eternia, Tatooine, Narnia, or some mash-up of all three. That freedom probably helped channel my ADHD energy.

But my parents also warned me that rocking, self-play, and talking to myself could get me into trouble outside the house. Some relatives were quick to push back or spread stories, and I attended a Conservative Christian school where several teachers ran their classrooms with a strict, punitive philosophy. To survive, I learned to internalize, script interactions, monitor how a “normal” person acted, and suppress many of my natural instincts, especially stimming.

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School Struggles

Masking wasn’t always successful. Many classmates still labeled me “weird,” “odd,” or “stupid.” I remember being spanked (corporal punishment was still allowed in private schools) for “daydreaming” or for disrupting class when I couldn’t sit still.

I often felt like my desk was a prison. Verbal instructions confused me. Written work presented in long blocks on the chalkboard was overwhelming. Because I wasn’t allowed to rock, move, or look around, I wasted most of my mental energy staying still instead of solving problems.

As I grew older, I cycled through intense obsessions, then abruptly abandoned them. I could be highly social until my body suddenly crashed (mentally and physically) after weeks of activity. What I once thought was a lifelong battle with depression and anxiety was actually burnout from forcing my brain to operate in ways it wasn’t designed to.

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Why I Went Undiagnosed

Being raised in a religious environment meant there was a very narrow definition of how a “good child” behaved. Under those expectations, my AuDHD traits were hidden or dismissed. Much of my hyperactivity was internalized through constant daydreams and a storm of ideas bouncing around my head.

This also explains why academics were inconsistent. I often excelled in presentations, hands-on learning, or anything that encouraged movement, creativity, or imagination. But when school demanded silence, conformity, and endless worksheets, my energy was drained just trying to act “proper,” leaving little left for learning.

I now understand why I sometimes fell asleep on my dad’s office floor as a teenager, or why I’d need whole weekends alone to recover. I was unknowingly spending all my energy meeting expectations instead of being myself.

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Unmasking and Moving Forward

Even today, I’m still figuring out what unmasking really means and who I am underneath decades of adaptation. But I know this: I no longer need to carry shame for the thoughts, habits, and coping mechanisms that once felt like secrets.

I relate deeply to the video above, and I hope sharing my story can support others on a similar path—or at least give a clearer picture to those who love someone who is neurodivergent.