Here is the Type of Emails I Write

Of course, if we already are regular email correspondents then you know the type of prose I zoom into your inbox. Actually, if you've read this blog for any amount of time then you also probably have a rough idea of how I likely converse with my family friends. But just in case you thought I was just a goof for the sake of this blog, here is the email I sent after my lovely wife had pushed that I get around to composing a Christmas List for the family (and her).

Ok Fine. . . Here is my Christmas List. . .

Hi Family,

Apparently, Emily didn't want to follow the trend and throw my list in with her assortment of desires.

In my old age, I've come to dread almost nothing more than having to compose a Christmas Wish List. This along with my thinning head of hair and disdain for late night outs shows I’ve passed by my blessed younger years. Yes, I once did enjoy composing an epic list of Christmas wants, but I also once had a reason to own a comb or want to have a fully booked weekend. Things apparently change. But despite my moaning and groaning, here is my attempt at some kind of acceptable Christmas Wish List. Feel free to completely ignore it or use it to line a hamster cage (in case you're expecting to become the proud owner of a hamster or want a place to keep an unruly but tiny guest - like an elf).

1. I really like novels, books, movies, and similar type things. This means you can either go the gift card route, or you can try your luck and buy something I don't own (or just ask Emily if I have it yet or not). For novels, I like almost anything, but tend be drawn to material with quirky characters or odd scenarios (but I'm also a sucker for any classic works). As for non-fiction books, again I'm happy with a variety of things, but I especially enjoy a well written book that analyzes historical periods or anything philosophical (I also like books that analyze the impact of pop culture on a time period). I don't own Freakonomics (hint hint) and I'm a fan of Malcolm Gladwell too. As for movies, I like anything that is considered culturally significant and again, I'm easy to please. I also like memorabilia related to significant pop culture history (Emily gave me a calendar of several old school Star Wars film posters and I was giddy for about 25 minutes afterwards). You also may have heard, but I'm a Bears fan -- stuff about them never gets spat on.

2. Gift certificates to places that may motivate me to go on a date with my beautiful wife is never ever an evil thing by any means. I don't need those things to tell me to go on a date, but it's always nice to have a beautiful evening with a little less impact on the bank account (hint: my birthday gift of a cinema gift card was lovely and spiffy all at the same time).

3. I know we have a lot of board games, but my Uncle Jebediah always said, "A house can never have too many board games." He also said that a ghost haunted his underwear drawer and that is why he always wore the same pair for 30 years -- so, you can't listen to everything he said.

4. There is this computer game by TellTale games called Monkey Island (Lucas Arts did four previous versions, but I own those already -- has to be the TellTale version). I wouldn't throw rotten cabbage at you if you bought me this game. I also like sports games, but I haven't done a lick of research of which ones are any good, plus I apparently have one at home that I haven't played since the first time it arrived here -- so you know, take that knowledge with you.

5. I always wanted an iPad. Well, not always. I didn't want the version that MADTV parodied in the early 2000s. I'm aware that iAnything didn't exist in the 80s -- when I liked composing Christmas lists. I also realize this is likely outside of everyone's budget, but in case you happen to find one lying on the sidewalk -- I'll take it.

6. PVR would be cool too. A baby is apparently coming to our house, and it likes getting attention and food and stuff. But when it sleeps, I can watch all the shows I missed, because you know, when you run your own business you have tons of time to watch TV. Though on the other hand, I may end up doing some entertainment work next year and will actually need to 'watch TV for work'. But anyway, like almost everything on this list, I haven't done any research and don't even know if you can get a PVR outside of what Rogers offers. So, I sort of understand if you think, 'this is way too much work and way more money than socks -- I'm getting socks with flowers on them instead.' I agree with you, but try to refrain from getting the ones with flowers -- I'm allergic to vegetation.

7. Clothes aren't the worse thing in the world. Though, I now have a job where looking spiffy is only occasionally necessary. My current fellow office occupants don't seem to care how I dress as long as I remember to scratch them behind the ears -- they may be a little different than the type you're used to working with.

8. Money is good. I can use it to procure goods or services that I desire. Or if I get enough, I can fashion a money tent where I can provide shelter to squirrels or a lorax for the winter.

9. Brevity.

10. Or you can just ask Emily. She probably has a better idea of what I want or what I actually need. I tend to forget the things that I ask about or wish I had when put under pressure -- I forgot I wanted a camera until I got it for my Birthday and was like, 'awesome, I really wanted this." So yeah, ask her. She also won't ramble on like I do nor throw in useless information like fictional Dr. Seuss creatures or pudding.

I wanted to make my list a top ten, because I secretly aspire to be David Letterman or something. I achieved that, so I feel my job here is done. This also may have successfully convinced you to just ignore me this Christmas, and give my money to a charity or a gypsy.

Anyway, hope you all have fun with what you choose to do this rather cold weekend.



  1. Anonymous11:56 am

    Neppihp Ttam via Facebook:

    likes this.

  2. Anonymous11:56 am

    Diane Bertolin via Facebook:

    likes this.

  3. Anonymous11:57 am

    Neppihp Ttam via Facebook:

    i hope they donate to the gypsy

  4. Well, gypsies deserve a Christmas too.


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