Sight Unseen: An Ignorant Plot Synopsis of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

I have not seen the film.  This synopsis is merely my best guess, based off of the trailers and my flabbergasted intellect.

 Driving down the road is Bethany, and dude she's pretty happy but a wee reckless.  The posted limit is 55, and she's puffing along at 60, young and feeling invincible.  When she decides to Facebook her pals while driving (once again, a wee reckless) she veers off the road and plows through a field before smashing into some sort of old vehicle.  Alone in a field, she is totally murdered by a Leatherface.

A few days later, a group of hipsters in disguise as non hipsters arrive in Harlow, a sleepy ghost town.  There's a few girls, a few boys, and a whole lot of happy living that they want to live.  The completely empty town is a great base for their gentrification, even though it's spooky and full of ominous music.

Melody, young and full of a head of hair, is very content.  This will be home.  After growing up in chaos n' stuff, all she wants is a fictional little village for her and her chainsaw fodder friends.  Dante looks around and says something to the effect of 'awesome.'  Yes, they all feel this is awesome.  A party bus shows up for the young people to party down in.  They are young, and they enjoy partying down.

Everything is just spiffy until they come across a creepy house.  Exploring it, they find things are creepy.  There is a whole lot of creepy things in the house, but the ominous music doesn't scare them away.  "Let's go out to the party bus,' says Dante.  He is parched and wants a drink.

While most of the youngsters head to the bus to listen to their popular music, Melody and Dante remain in the house because Dante wants to explore it.  All of a sudden a man without a leathery face runs out of a closet and chases the two of them around the house, totally making them jittery.  Melody jumps under a bed and hides while the mad man without a leathery face murders Dante, before accidentally dropping his chainsaw on the floor.

After the murder, Sheriff calls Laurie Strode Sally Hardesty to let her know that he has returned.  By he, I mean the killer, and not Sheriff.  Strode Hardesty has been waiting years for this to kill the masked murderer who butchered her friends on a Halloween Texas night.  This is where she would get the band back together, but they were all ended murderally back in the day.  Looking into a mirror, she says, 'girl, you got this,' before putting on a cardigan and heading out.

Meanwhile, before the sun fades, the killer finds his leathery face and puts it on.  A skunk or something had been playing with it in a field, and when he finally finds it he can't help but giggle.  Holding it up to the sky, dude makes sure there isn't any skunk lice on it before putting it on.

Back in Harlow, the youngsters are bopping to their popular music tracks on the party bus.  All of a sudden a Leatherface hops on board without first obtaining an invitation.  All the kids remember what their parents have told them.  "If a leathery face shows up, don't run.  Make sure you get it on camera.  You can't say 'true story' unless you have a photo."

Dante is then killed by a chainsaw and everyone screams.  They panic and all get right killed on that party bus.  This party isn't going as planned.

Elsewhere, Laurie Sally shows up and says, 'evil dies tonight.'  Working with Melody (who is still young and full of a head of hair), they lure the leathery maniac into a house.  Things get pretty intense, but they manage to go all crazy on him and take him down.  Harlow, a ghost town, is now finally silent and safe.  But then the camera shows that leathery face is no longer laying where he was vanquished, setting up a sequel that nobody asked for.


  1. Poor Dante gets chainsaw killed twice. Not a fun night for him.

    1. He dies parched as well. He never quenched his thirst.


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