Opposite Direction

Ugh.

A recurring client hasn’t completely ended our relationship, but they have asked to pause the segment that gave me my most consistent work. For now (at least), we’re shifting to a “pitch when I have an idea” arrangement.

In all honesty, this news feels less like being mauled by a bear during a quiet picnic and more like having someone poke a bear I’d already been wrestling. I’ve spent the past few years beating myself up for finding fresh, innovative ways to self-sabotage or unintentionally sever client relationships.

But the truth is, the pay on this gig was barely manageable considering the hours it required. If I realistically look back at the past few years, only two of my lost clients were actually paying rates that justified the time I devoted to them.

So, maybe—maybe—this is an opportunity.

Losing this gig frees up hours I can redirect into growing Beyond the Balcony, the newsletter, and the podcast. It gives me the space to pursue better-paying freelance opportunities, the kinds where I work directly with clients and confidently state my rates instead of hoping an editor somewhere picks me out of a job board pile.

It means more planning and organization on my part, which is… not exactly my strongest area. But cutting out the middle person also gives me more control and, hopefully, more stability.

I’ll confess: I’m scared. I’ve been writing professionally for over a decade and still wrestle with imposter syndrome on a daily basis. I’m also in a place where I need money now, and the darker voices in my head are whispering that this new path is a fool’s errand.

But those voices have been wrong before. I never thought I could memorize lines or perform on stage, and yet I’ve done both several times over the past few years—and been praised for it.

So maybe those voices are just blubbering fools.

Still, losing a gig, even a low-paying one, hits my rejection sensitivity hard. Especially since I spent the weekend brainstorming freelance packages, organizing what I needed to make the few thousand dollars required to get through the month (and maybe even buy some Christmas gifts). This client was part of those plans.

But the month has just begun, and I’ve surprised myself before.

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