June Feeling Like 2023 But Hoping for a New 2024

I sit here feeling like I did around this time in 2023.

And I'm terrified.

A year ago, I landed two recurring writing jobs with one promising what I believed was decent pay and a few short-term jobs with promises for potential long-term work. After several very hard and desolate months, I received a beacon of hope and an overwhelming sense of relief that my career finally took a positive turn.

But I'll take responsibility for what turned out to be a career disaster and several more months of income famine. I didn't properly read the agreement to notice I was being paid wages that are absolutely unlivable in Canada. My own fragile emotional state and shattered self-worth sabotaged another job that was causing me to scramble to find my writing mojo.

What felt like endless editor notes and the company who praised showing they felt my efforts didn't even amount to $10.00 struck me with doubts that my chosen career path would ever find its way back to success. Imposter syndrome reigned supreme and the tremors of failure shook into all aspects of my life.

I looked back to when I was overflowing with client work and realized it also was the time I wrote the most on this site, reviewed hundreds of movies in a year, the podcast episodes flowed like wine, and my family life was a shining star. Lots of work was good for my confidence and mental health, and I had desperately hoped last summer was marking that return.

It didn't.

Now, I once again have a client who loves my creativity and writing, another client who pays a little less but offers consistent work, and potential for more ongoing work since the pandemic. The one client promises the highest rate I've been offered post-pandemic, and while it is still lower than compared to how long I've done this, it is the rate I am comfortable committing to considering I'm suffering from feelings of hackerdom. 

My hope is to prove myself to these current clients, and when I deliver high-quality work, I can renegotiate the rate and justify the increase by what I've delivered.

After suffering from several very hard and rejection-filled years, I'm struggling with even believing I have anything of worth to offer. I have a hard time accepting the praise for my creativity and excellent work. I keep checking to make sure the company isn't a scam or I misplaced a decimal point again.

They're legit. The money is the amount we agreed upon. And I just have to accept a majestic reclaiming of my self-worth and confidence isn't to be achieved in one day. 

Instead, I keep writing. I write every day. I strive to create the best work possible. When the voices say it sucks, I accept that I did my best and I send it anyway. I keep doing that until success exists even if those voices never stop.

I have to trust this June will lead me to a more successful July.

If you love my stuff and want me to be able to devote more time to podcasts and this site while I rebuild my career then I'd be ever so grateful for you to consider donating to my writing efforts over at my PayPal account. Thank you for all your support.