I'm Not As Brave As Advertised

 

I have recently decided to post about my diagnosis of depression and neurodivergence. I've always processed things much better when I write about it. There have been so many authors and writers whose raw honesty has been crucial in making me feel understood and encouraged. I have tried to be as open as I can with the hope that maybe I can do the same thing for someone else someday. 

 

But I've been absolutely rocked and gobsmacked by how many people have told me they really appreciated my posts about my mental health and neurodivergence. Some have even said it helped them out with their own challenges, which to me is worth more than a hundred thousand dollars (but I'll take that too). 

Many have commended me for being vulnerable and open. Here is the truth. I find it much easier to do this through writing on social media or this site or even for a paying publication. I am awful about opening up about it in person. I'll have days where I am emotionally rummaging in the bottom of the dumpster but completely hiding it from my family. I answer 'fine' and good', to my friends even when I'm barreling off a cliff into a fiery pit. 

 

I know that I need to bring that vulnerability into the real world, or at least share it far more often with my amazing and loving wife, Emily Spicer. The hard part is that I still don't really understand what is juggling around in my brain. I can't predict what my emotions will be like as the day progresses. I am still struggling to understand how to be neurodivergent in a neurotypical world after 47 years of believing I was just really bad at being 'normal'. 

 

Therapy has made it very clear to me that even as a person who makes money on communicating and storytelling, I really don't know how to explain the feelings and thoughts I struggle with every moment. I really do appreciate all the amazing support and kind words in recent months. It has been powerful and nourishing. I'll keep on trying to figure this all out and get better at being more honest with those who love me. 

Hopefully, these ramblings can continue to have value to someone.

Yes, I do plan on writing about more than just mental health soon.